Moving Forward

I haven't written much. I've decided one of the reasons, I don't have much to write about. A lot of what I have to say are the things I have been saying since I came home. The Lord has a plan for me, everything is going to work out, and I still don't have a full time position.

I need a reason to blog. I've realized the people who do the best with their blogging are those who have a reason, family update, publication process, therapy, etc. My theme of my blog has always been my adventures in teaching. And right now, teaching isn't so adventurous. So, while I am waiting for those adventures to come, I don't know what to do with my blog. I'm thinking. I know I want to keep writing. I want to keep this little corner of the web for my thoughts on education, teaching, and all the joys, pain, sorrows, peace, and happiness that comes with it. I want it to be a place for other teachers to come to and know they aren't the only ones who have experienced all of these things. Right now my experiences are VERY unique, and I know this. I think that is why I am having a hard time writing about them. Because they are so personal and growth related when it comes to me.

So here is the update, I am moving forward. I am growing. I am learning. I am hopeful. I am having a great experience, even if it isn't exactly what I think I want. I have seen the ways that I have changed as an educator. I have seen my patience level rise (I hope that is still the case when I have my own class of 30 kids that I see everyday.) I am more positive.

I know the possibility of me getting a full time position in the next 4 months, is pretty slim. But, I am looking forward to next year. Things are definitely moving in a way that I didn't know they could. I am just going to do what I can to keep up with it all.

Oh! I almost forgot! HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice! It was published 200 years ago on January 28, 1813.

Things Happen for a Reason

It has been so long since I have written. I'll be honest. Life hasn't gone the way I wanted and I have been frustrated, angry, and depressed. It has just been easier for me to pretend to everyone else that everything is okay. I still have a lot of these feelings but things are getting better. I have so many things I want to write about, but every time I get started I can't seem to finish it. I come back to it a week or two later realize it is old news and start over again. I am determined that today will be a different. I will finish this post and I will hit publish before I go to bed today.

Six months ago I left this wonderful Sister in the hands of a new companion and in the hands of a wonderful ward.

Six months ago these six Elders and I left the wonderful planned out life we were leading to the unknown of what was back at home. I had everything planned out perfectly I was going to come home start applying to different districts and get a teaching job. I would be ready to go WAY before school started in August/September. My teaching life would no longer be in storage I would be looking for a place to live and by October I would be out of my mom's house and my living life would no longer be in storage. I would have my ideal life.
I believe everything happens for a reason. There is a reason why I didn't get any of the 8 teaching jobs I interviewed for. There is a reason why I ended up a part time classified job. It has been hard accepting that things are supposed to be different than my plan.

Let me tell you about the plan Heavenly Father had in mind for me. I am the "enrichment" T.A. I work 15 hours a week at the school pulling out small groups of kids between 9-11 kids at a time. These kids are the gifted students. My job is to make their education experience better for them. The first month was hard. I didn't know what I was doing I didn't have any kids in my classroom. But since I have started teaching every single day things are getting better. Today I had two awesome lessons. Both of my administers have given me some great feed back. One of them told me she passed by when I was teaching and she noticed I looked happy and in my element. That is how I feel when I get up in front of the kids, no matter how big of a group I have. Instead of leaving my mom's and starting my own life I will probably be here for at least until next school year. But, that is okay. While MY plan hasn't panned out in the last 6 months Heavenly Father's has. So, I will keep moving forward and try to figure out His plan for me.

What I Have Noticed

My Blog is seeming to be negative. And I am sorry for it. But, I have also noticed my faith is coming out BIG TIME in my posts.

I believe in a LOVING Heavenly Father. Plain and simple. Even with all the troubles, stress, tears, and pain. I know He loves me. I know He has what is best in mind for me. I posted before my mission about a song called "Trust Me" by The Fray. It is my favorite song. Why I love this song, one line, "When your older you MIGHT understand." Even though I am older I don't quite understand. I was thinking about somethings going on not related to the job hunt. And thinking about my mission all in the same moment pretty much. And for a moment I understood why my mission happened the way it did. I realized if I would have given in to what I wanted then I wouldn't have met all the great people I met in New York. I wouldn't have been a part of their lives and they wouldn't have been a big part of mine. I wouldn't have changed the way I did. It would have been easier for me to just give in to what I wanted and not to stick out to know what the Lord wanted. I grew. I changed. I hope I became what the Lord wants me to be. And there is a little bit of the understanding. I know my Father in Heaven loves me and knows me more than I do. I know He wants me to be happy. I also know He know better than I do where that happiness will come from. And I am going to let him provide it. I am just going to have the faith that he will point me in the right direction when it comes. I know He hears and answers my prayers. He wants to give me what I want. But, I also know what I want isn't possible. So, He is going to give me the thing I didn't know I wanted. Or He is giving me the something better.

I do believe that things happen for a reason. There is a reason why I haven't gotten "that job" yet. I just need to hang on and enjoy the ride in discovering that reason.

Check this post out from before my mission. I still believe it 100%. And one last link. . . It makes me smile. We need more people like her.

A Few Thoughts to End the Week

I honestly don't know what is going to happen to me in the next few weeks. I still don't have a teaching job. I am still looking, but time is running out and fast. I had an interview last week. I walked away KNOWING in the depth of my soul that I did not want the job and KNOWING I wasn't going to get it. But still fearing that I would, or maybe it was fear that I wouldn't. I ended up in the bathroom at work because I couldn't control my tears and anxiety. I don't know how to explain to people all these emotions that are going on right now. I want a teaching job. I want to be setting up a classroom. I am scared to go after it. But, I want to just jump right in. I am starting to question my approach to interviews. I realized this week that the one interview I felt was VERY successful was the one where the principal straight up asked me about being non-renewed. I have already decided I wasn't going to lie if it came up. I am starting to think maybe I should be bringing it up in every interview. My fear with this is that I will be killing every chance I get. BUT, I know what I have learned from the whole experience. As much as I don't want to admit this, but I am out to prove something. I am out to prove that my last school district made a mistake in letting me go. (Even though I know there was a purpose to being let go.) I am out to prove to myself that I can be a successful teacher. I am out to prove to every parent who hated me, or who was unwilling to work with me that I can work well with parents and I do appreciate the work they put in to raising their child. I am out to prove to my unsupportive team that despite the hell they put me through the first 2 years I taught I can be a team player. I can do it. I am out to prove to my principal (who I have the utmost respect for) that I did change and I did learn what he was trying to help me understand. That I am a professional, that I care about my students, and that I can do the impossible.
I received a priesthood blessing this week. There was a line about not pushing people away and looking for advice. As I was contemplating all of what is going on and what I should say in interviews and what I need to do, I thought about that principal. I thought about how willing he was to talk to me 2 years ago. And I thought what is different. He isn't down the hall anymore. That is it. I then just kept thinking to myself about how much I wish I could just talk to a principal and get their take on interviewing and what I should and should not say. Can you see where this might be going? It is a busy time of year for a principal and to answer the questions of a former teacher might not be high on his list. But the thought keeps coming. We'll see what happens. I guess it couldn't hurt.
The next thought in all of this drama called my life. . . I have changed. I am no longer the teacher that left after three years of teaching. I have had a lifetime of experiences in a short 18 months. I don't regret any of the things that have happened to me since January 2010. I know I have been where they Lord wants me. I know I am where the Lord wants me. Doesn't make it any easier. I know these experiences have made me who I am. They will also make me the teacher I know I can be. I think this is why I don't want to hide my non-renewal from interviewers. If I point it out and I tell them what I learned, then I have the chance to speak up. I have the chance to show them I am different. I have the chance to explain myself. It won't be an impersonal piece of paper doing the dirty work for me.
I was told I deserve a second chance. And I do. We all do. That is what repentance/change is all about, second chances.

And like the woman in this picture I have my own private struggles. I just need to reach out an touch Christ's hem and I will be healed. Maybe in the manner I want. But I know for sure it will be in the manner I need. I just need to allow the change to take place.

Humility

Yes, folks it is the time for me to talk about the number one thing I learned on my mission. HUMILITY. Sadly, maybe I didn't learn it as well as I hoped I did while in New York because it looks as if I am learning it all over again. I guess in a different way.
On the mission I was pretty prideful. I studied President Benson's talk Beware of Pride. I read the Christlike attributes chapter in Preach My Gospel quite a bit. I had a few conversations with my mission president about this one fault of mine. I think I learned on the mission how my pride effected my teaching career. I learned what I could do better to let go of that pride. I learned to ask for help from those closest to me. I learned to let it go, and not say anything. I learned to say, "I'm sorry." I learned to rely on the Lord in my greatest time of need. I learned how Charity and Love counter-act pride and how humility keeps us in check. Most of the success I met with as a missionary came when I worked hard to control my pride. My biggest struggles was when I let it come out.
How does this information play out right now? I have been frustrated with the whole job search thing. I don't know why I thought it would be any different from the first time I searched for a teaching job. It took time, even in an economy that had plenty of teaching jobs. But, I know I ended up with the job I was supposed to have. I needed that chance to struggle, to be on my own, to learn and to loose. All before I went on a mission. I needed to be able to see what happened and how I could fix it. I don't think the lesson on being more Christlike would have been as deep rooted IF it wasn't for my failures in the teaching world. I needed to learn to be more like Christ. I STILL need to become more like Him. I guess in a way I have this attitude of, "I know better. I went on a mission, I learned all these great things. I will be the best teacher ever. You should hire me. Oh, and the Lord needs to give me this blessing because I am a RM." In my mind an interview I had with my mission president keeps coming to my head where he basically told me I shouldn't think that serving a mission will get me a job. I look at that conversation now and I think about what is going on and I realize. It isn't supposed to be easy for me. But, I also know I will get a job. I just need to be humble.
I went to the temple this week searching for answers. I had an hour of time to just reflect on life and to read the scriptures. I started reading in The Doctrine and Covenants where I had left off the night before. I love this book. Even though it isn't written for me directly, I am still able to learn many different things from it. The section I was reading was to Thomas B. Marsh Sec. 112. In verse 10 The Lord tells Thomas, "Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead they by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers." Then it hit me. I am not being humble about everything. I need to have confidence, yes. But, I need to rely on the Lord a little more. In Preach My Gospel it says, "Humility is willingness to submit to the will of the Lord and to give the Lord the honor for what is accomplished. It includes gratitude for His blessings and acknowledgment of your constant need for His divine help. Humility is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of spiritual strength. When you humbly trust Him and acknowledge His power and mercy, you can have the assurance that His commandments are for your good. You are confident that you can do whatever the Lord requires of you if you rely on Him. You are also willing to trust His chosen servants and follow their counsel. Humility will help you as you strive to be obedient, to work hard, and serve selflessly."
I realized I am putting the Lord 2nd if not 3rd in my life. He needs to be back in the 1st place spot. Now that I have a car I can get to the temple more often to reflect on what is important and search for answers. I also need to remember my calling and not treat it like it is below me. I need to study the scriptures more, and earlier. I need to go to bed at a decent hour and wake up at a decent time. I am hoping in the next few weeks I can at least bridle my pride and put more trust in the Lord and follow His counsel. He knows me and knows what is best. He will guide me to it. I have decided if it is the job He wants me to have, I will get it. I know that job is out there. I just have to be patient (another difficult attribute), and humble. He will answer my prayers.

Spoiled

During the hours of walking through the little city along the Susquehanna River in New York Sister Nelson and I would spend the time talking about things. This one quote would often come up in our conversations (mostly on her side) "Heavenly Father always gives me what I want, just not necessarily the way I wanted it." Then we would discuss the different ways in which we received everything we "wanted."
I have been thinking about this. About a week ago I reach the end of my patience rope. I was finished with waiting. I was finished with what I felt as unanswered prayers. Well, about 5 days ago that prayer started to be answered. I needed to open up more to my Father and tell Him what was bothering me. He then gave me strength to move myself forward. I emailed a bunch of different principals in a district I had applied to and I hadn't heard anything. One emailed me back and told me he was interested but he couldn't find my application. He was interviewing on Monday and he needed it ASAP. I was very confused. I contacted the district and I waited. I never heard anything from them, BUT I received a phone call from another principal on Saturday for an interview on Monday. After my interview I got a call from another school for Friday. I also had a screening interview with another district and they will contact me soon. All of these developments are positive. Yeah, and maybe my prayers still don't seem like they are being answered, but I know deep down Heavenly Father is answering my prayers. I am excited to see what happens in the next few weeks as school starts.

Oh, and I finally got me a car. I feel like the whole world has been handed to me. I can finally go where and when I want to go somewhere and not try to find a ride or another car. I bought a 2009 Subaru Impreza. It is silver (not red) and I love it! I am so excited to drive myself to my interview on Friday in MY car.

I was just thinking about what I should title this post and as I wrote the word Spoiled I thought to myself in more ways than one. My Heavenly Father really does give me what I want. I am so grateful that it is on His terms and not mine. The best job for me is out there, I just have to remember He is making sure I get it.

Let's Add a Dash of Fun

So, this week I was able to get the 4th of July off, thanks to Bryan. Which I will be spending the day with my family until I go to the SLC airport and head to CNY (or Central New York). Where I will spend a total of 4 days with some of the best people I know. Those people who just make me smile whenever I think about them or the impact each one of them had on my life. I am very excited for this trip and while at times I feel like it isn't planned at all. I also know I just want to spend as much time visiting people as I can. I am really excited for the much needed break.

Anyway, that is about the excitement on that end of my life. I will post pictures and write about it later. The other excitement is the fact that while I am in NY I will be interviewing for another school in the non-focus school district. This one is one that the principal who didn't hire me told me to email, so we will see where it goes. I am nervous to be doing a phone interview, but I know it will work out in the end. Then the district I grew up in is doing another round of screening interviews. That will be in the end of July. I am praying that something will come. I also appreciate any prayers anyone else can give. I need all the help I can get.

I'll continue to keep you informed.

Mosiah 7:33

"But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage." (Or in my case unemployment.)