I honestly don't know what is going to happen to me in the next few weeks. I still don't have a teaching job. I am still looking, but time is running out and fast. I had an interview last week. I walked away KNOWING in the depth of my soul that I did not want the job and KNOWING I wasn't going to get it. But still fearing that I would, or maybe it was fear that I wouldn't. I ended up in the bathroom at work because I couldn't control my tears and anxiety. I don't know how to explain to people all these emotions that are going on right now. I want a teaching job. I want to be setting up a classroom. I am scared to go after it. But, I want to just jump right in. I am starting to question my approach to interviews. I realized this week that the one interview I felt was VERY successful was the one where the principal straight up asked me about being non-renewed. I have already decided I wasn't going to lie if it came up. I am starting to think maybe I should be bringing it up in every interview. My fear with this is that I will be killing every chance I get. BUT, I know what I have learned from the whole experience. As much as I don't want to admit this, but I am out to prove something. I am out to prove that my last school district made a mistake in letting me go. (Even though I know there was a purpose to being let go.) I am out to prove to myself that I can be a successful teacher. I am out to prove to every parent who hated me, or who was unwilling to work with me that I can work well with parents and I do appreciate the work they put in to raising their child. I am out to prove to my unsupportive team that despite the hell they put me through the first 2 years I taught I can be a team player. I can do it. I am out to prove to my principal (who I have the utmost respect for) that I did change and I did learn what he was trying to help me understand. That I am a professional, that I care about my students, and that I can do the impossible.
I received a priesthood blessing this week. There was a line about not pushing people away and looking for advice. As I was contemplating all of what is going on and what I should say in interviews and what I need to do, I thought about that principal. I thought about how willing he was to talk to me 2 years ago. And I thought what is different. He isn't down the hall anymore. That is it. I then just kept thinking to myself about how much I wish I could just talk to a principal and get their take on interviewing and what I should and should not say. Can you see where this might be going? It is a busy time of year for a principal and to answer the questions of a former teacher might not be high on his list. But the thought keeps coming. We'll see what happens. I guess it couldn't hurt.
The next thought in all of this drama called my life. . . I have changed. I am no longer the teacher that left after three years of teaching. I have had a lifetime of experiences in a short 18 months. I don't regret any of the things that have happened to me since January 2010. I know I have been where they Lord wants me. I know I am where the Lord wants me. Doesn't make it any easier. I know these experiences have made me who I am. They will also make me the teacher I know I can be. I think this is why I don't want to hide my non-renewal from interviewers. If I point it out and I tell them what I learned, then I have the chance to speak up. I have the chance to show them I am different. I have the chance to explain myself. It won't be an impersonal piece of paper doing the dirty work for me.
I was told I deserve a second chance. And I do. We all do. That is what repentance/change is all about, second chances.
And like the woman in this picture I have my own private struggles. I just need to reach out an touch Christ's hem and I will be healed. Maybe in the manner I want. But I know for sure it will be in the manner I need. I just need to allow the change to take place.
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