Thoughts

My sister mentioned that lately all my posts seem sad. I would have to agree. I am at a huge crossroad in my life. The life I wish I had isn't what I have. The life I have doesn't feel like it is going to start anytime soon. (I KNOW October 6th is just 34 days away. 5 Sundays.) I guess I feel kind of lost. And if I was willing to get my one paper finished I think things would be better because I could feel like it was time to go shopping. As of today I am 6 pages closer, just so you know. But, I do have to say I am getting more and more excited as the time moves on. I am ready for a change. And it is going to happen soon. I can't wait until I get to the MTC and until I get out of the MTC and go to Utica.
Besides getting most of my paper finished I missed the classroom bad today. I miss the kids, the other teachers, the office/support staff, my principal. I miss teaching and seeing the lights come on in those cute little faces. I know I will see a different type of light come on in other faces. And I will be teaching something different. But, I still miss my old life. However I keep thinking and reminding myself, I have 27 years to teach when I get back. I can miss 2 years for the Lord.

King of Anything

I have fallen in LOVE with this song. I think it is because I am having one of those times when I am being told by everyone what I should be doing. That and it is quite catchy if I say so myself.

Sad Day

I just posted my car for sell. Hardest thing I'll have to do before I leave on my mission.

Good Things To Come

I just saw this on another blog today, and I thought, "I LOVE that. Why didn't I post it on my blog?" So I am going to do it now. It is exactly how I have felt in the last 3 months.

Things To Think About

Today, I went to Ogden to talk to some of my institute teachers. I needed to tell them about my mission. As I was talking to one of them we were talking about my fears I have and the things I am thinking about with this whole mission thing. I mentioned I am 28, I really shouldn't be doing this. Then he asked me about what I could say that will help me with those thoughts. I mentioned it is ok. I can go forever if I would like. Then he said, "That is policy. What else could you say?" And I thought about the initial conversation I had with my old bishop and what he told me. Basically, because I am 28, I have lived on my own and I have done things on my own I will be a huge help to my mission president in helping those girls adjust to life. As I was talking to him about this stuff I started getting excited again. I forget where my focus should be. And I keep wishing I could be in the classroom. Then I have moments like this where I remember where I am going is more important. I have to remember the Lord is going to bless me. He knows what he is doing. I just need to trust that.

One last thing, this same instructor asked me about my poem writing. I haven't thought about writing a poem in a long time. I have done some poems with my class but I haven't just sat down to write my own. I think I may have to dust off that talent and try.

Weather

Yesterday I got up (late as usual) and I noticed that the sky outside was gray and I thought, "Wow! That is exactly how I feel. Nice of the weather to match how I feel inside." I got ready for my day, headed out to have my eye exam. I was dressed and ready to go to the temple for when I was finished. As I was getting in my car, out of my car, back in my car, and back out of my car it was down pouring every step of the way. I noticed as I reached the temple that the sky to the west was blue. I knew that meant the weather was going to get better. The funny thing was I was feeling like the mood the sky was giving off, a little gray and rainy, but things were starting to get blue and sunshiny. I got in the temple and started changing and I just felt a stillness I haven't felt in a while. It was oddly quiet in there, even for the temple. I had just missed the 1:30 session, but it was ok. I sat in the chapel and thought about my talk. I noticed the change in the sky outside as well as the change in my feelings inside. It was getting better. By the time I left the temple there was no sign in the weather that it had rained. I felt better than I have in a few days, and so I have made a goal that from now until October 6th I will go to the temple at least once a week so I can feel sunshiny everyday. The other thing I have decided is I need to stop focusing on what I wish to be doing and what I will be doing when I get home. I need to focus on what I am doing. That is the only important thing in my life right now.

I just need to remember

"I believe everything happens for a reason! People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart, so better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe

Good things do fall apart. And there has to be something better falling together. I should be getting ready for year four. But, instead I am getting ready to live in New York for 18 months. (I just realized I will be living in New York. That is so not me.) I still would like to rewind the last two years so I could try to fix everything. Maybe it is that whole it seems what I want is better than what I am getting. When in reality, I look back and in my teaching life the only thing going for me was. . . teaching. But, I also look at the last three months of my life and it feels like nothing is going for me. All I have been doing is waiting. Waiting to finish paperwork, waiting to receive my call, waiting to leave in October. I believe I will be blessed in the long run for serving a mission. It is just so hard to remember to have that faith when I see/hear all the reminders that school is starting soon. And then I am faced with the whole uncertainty of what I will be doing for 18 months. Teaching is safe. Teaching is comfortable. Being a missionary scares me. I just need to keep praying that everything will workout the way the Lord wants it too. And get rid of the feeling that I am just running away. Because I am not. I am trying to become someone better than I ever could on my own.