Doubt Not Fear Not

As I take the time to look at other peoples blogs (most of them I have just stumbled across) I see the strength they have in sharing what they truly believe. I don't know why I haven't fully done it myself. I think it is because I am kind of afraid that what I say will be taken wrong. It might also be the fact my first instinct with this blog was to tell about my adventures as a teacher. (I also planned on not complaining about the people I work with, and we see how well that has gone.) So, today because of the wonderful things I heard in General Conference I think it is about time for me to share what I know and what I believe.
I think in the last year I have learned how important my faith is for me. It truly has made me who I am today. Without being LDS I don't think I would have been able to get through the school year last year. I also wouldn't have had the amazing opportunity I had this summer on my cross country trip. I wouldn't have the hope, faith, and trust that I have in my life. It is the one thing that keeps me going on my bad days, and helps me be grateful for the good days. My faith helped me pull through my dad's death and my depression. It has shaped me into the woman I am today. And for that I am so grateful. It has helped to know of and believe in an Atonement. It has helped me to see the love my Heavenly Father has for me and for each person I come in contact with. Without the gospel in my life I would be nothing. Without reading, teaching, and discussions I wouldn't know what I know. Without the priesthood, temples, and sacrament I wouldn't be as strong as I am. Without charity, service and love I wouldn't be the kind person I am. Without the gospel I think I would be full of despair when I walked into my classroom and saw the pain, sorrows and conditions of my students. Lucky for them and me I do have the gospel. I have a great hope in what each of them can become and what each of them are. I like to think Heavenly Father sees us all in the same way.

If you would like to know more go to www.mormon.org

Here We Go Again

I'm sick of working in a team that won't change without fighting tooth and nail. I am also sick of walking on egg shells. I don't want to do this anymore. As I struggle with this situation in my team, again. I just keep thinking of the poor first year student that saved all the trouble from.
I knew what I was doing as I signed up but I thought I could handle it. What I didn't expect was a student transferring from one class into my class. How was I ever supposed to control that? I had none at all. (I will admit my class feels whole with this new student in my class.) I was waiting for the blow up all week, and it has come slowly. Ever so slowly. To the point that I was attacked by an article left in my box. No one else had this article in their box, just me. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say. I don't feel that I can say anything because I am not 100 percent sure this article was left by either of them.
The article was on why yelling at kids is bad. I know this information. I don't yell, my actual speaking voice is pretty loud. When I get mad it gets firm and is still loud. I've tried to quiet down my voice but it last like five seconds than I can't do it anymore. It is just the way my voice is. I did like one part of the article though, it said when you are frustrated let the kids know why you are frustrated. "I'm sorry I am so frustrated today but Mrs. X and Mrs. W are treating me poorly and won't listen to my ideas without shutting them down."
" I'm sorry I am frustrated today but Mrs. W and Mrs. X are mad at me for the fact that all of you love me more."
I think that would be a so funny to do someday. "Why did you say that to your class?" "Because, it is what the article told me to do." (I'm laughing inside right now.)
However, I will admit I'm not the perfect little angel on the team. I have been waiting for a fight, so I think I have made a few happen. I just need to calm down. I am going to talk to our intern principal tomorrow morning. Let him know what is happening, and I am not going to play all innocent like I did nothing. I will explain my role. I just wish that this was over. That it was the end of the year and I would be able relax knowing that the end of the tunnel finally came and I could do my job in a more effective way. That is all I need to remind myself 8 more months.

A Few Minutes to Reflect

There are somethings I am learning I need to do in my life. And one of them is I need to figure out for myself that I am actually worth something. I am going to revel something about me, I am not perfect. Surprising I know. I think there is something that is more surprising to you. . . I really wish I could be to the point that I get mad if I do something wrong. It has caused me years of heartache. I still beat myself up for relationships that failed, relationships that never happened, something I said in class last year, or the way I treated some one. But, the worst part of this perfectionism is that the past few weeks it has been dragging me down to the lowest I have been in the last two years. Honestly, it has been tough for me to handle. A lot of it has to do with my boy situation and where I wish I could be and where the Lord wants me to be.
I know that I need to make some changes and only I can make these changes in my life. I was asked the question by my bishop, "What are you going to do?" I kept answering, "I don't know." Well, he told me that the next time I visit him I needed some answers. So I decided to think about it, this is what I came up with:
I am going to start working on the process to go back to grad school.
I am going to get a new camera and take more pictures I can be proud of.
I am going to be the best teacher I can.
I am going to get in shape, and get myself taken care of.
I am going to not beat myself up for the little things.
I am going to continue to do those things I need to do in my life (ex. read my scriptures, pray, go to church.)
And to solve the "lack of" boys problem, I am going to put myself out there, and ask someone out next month.
Even though this is hard for me I am glad I get to learn something in my life about who I am and about where I want to be and where I am going.

Something I'm Not Proud Of

The fact that I haven't really been following what is going on in the world. When you don't have T.V. you kind of get cut out from it all.
I won't even tell you the story that got me thinking about this, let's just say is has to do with Sarah Palin (I hope that is spelled right) and my glasses. As I was thinking about the event in my life that made me realize that I don't know much about the world, I was looking at the 6th grade social studies core, and I realized I need to be teaching current events. I better get better acquainted with the things that are happening all around me and fast.

I Feel Like all I Do is Run

And that is the serious truth today. I was looking at the week ahead of me and I don't know what I am doing. I was going to try to go to Salt Lake today to get my pictures from the fair, but I decided it wasn't going to be possible and lucky for me my mom loves me lots. So, I got to relax for a while today. But, then tomorrow, I have to be to school EXTRA early for the boys who want to get their reports finished. Then I have to leave at 3:30 for a class on the PRAXIS test. I get to go back early on Wednesday only to leave at 3:00 so I can go to another training on Love and Logic (I am actually really excited about this one.) Then it is off to the temple for Stake Temple night. Thursday, I will be there early like usual, I will leave late, and I will go to Enrichment Meeting. My only free moment will be Friday. And then the week is over and I will start it all over again next week. What a great life I lead! And really I do love it. It is nice to have so many things going on I don't know where to turn to next. Actually right now I think it should be my bed.

Putting Off

I've been putting off a lot of things in my life and this has been one of them. I could make up a lot of excuses to why: "I've been busy." "I have nothing interesting to write." etc. But in reality I have plenty to say, and I have actually sat down and written a couple of post but I feel like it is going into things that I don't feel this blog was intended for in the first place. But as I have been thinking about things I have decided, this is about my life and if I feel that it needs to be shared, I am going to share it.
Just some interesting information I entered these three pictures in the Utah State Fair this year. None of them placed, but now I am so much more interested in photography. I am buying a new camera in the next few months and I am trying again. Kind of a different feeling for me. To see my pictures hanging on display for the whole state to see. What was really fun, as a field trip we went to the fair and my students came in and told me they saw my pictures and they were so excited to see them and they were happy that they could find my pictures. One group even told me they asked a worker where my pictures were so they could see all of them. What a great thing, and what I great group I have.

Today I sat outside, after the fair, while 15 sixth graders had Fun Free Friday. As I sat there I just hung out with them and just talked. So, much fun, and so relaxing.

One last random school item. I have a perpetual liar in my class, and it is driving me crazy, especially since I keep catching him in his lies, and he lies to get out of it. I wish he would just keep his mouth shut he would get in less trouble that way. Yesterday, he told me he would be meeting us at the fair, and I told him he would be at school when school started. Later he told me he had to go pick up his mom from the airport this morning with his uncle. (This came after he told me he finished his assignment, and he really didn't. I told him he needed to show it to me, and he went back to his seat to do it.) I told him he had a choice to either pick up his mom or go to the fair. He couldn't just meet us there. Well, he was a little shocked that I told him this. Well, guess who showed up in the morning. He came to my desk to tell me his test that needed a signature got soaked by his Gatorade and you couldn't see his mom's signature on it. (Yes, his mom that is flying home that morning.) So, then a few minutes later a few kids asked him why he was there.
His response, "My uncle wouldn't let me go. So, I am just going see my mom tonight."
That is when I said, "How could your mom sign your test if she isn't here?"
"Well, my mom didn't sign it." I sat waiting for the step-mom response, "My. . . aunt did. She is like my mom."
Yeah, whatever. This kid is going to continue losing friends and all trust from anybody. One of the other kids in my class said that everyone knows when he is lying to me. Also, he realizes that if this kid didn't fight with me, or lie to me he wouldn't be in as big trouble as he is. The lair will get so more out of life if he would just tell the truth and not lie. But, it is a lesson he will not learn, or cannot learn. I'll see what I can do about this and keep you posted.

Random Life Stuff

First week is over. I did have to get strict by Thursday and I made a girl cry. I wish the rest of the class felt that same way. However, if I had 27 kids crying it wouldn't have been the greatest thing or moment in my life. Also on Thursday I added a new student, a boy, I think I am doomed to have all boys this year. There is no hope I have 16 of them and 11 girls. I'm grateful for the girls they will balance somethings quite a bit. I think I have a really cute class. We'll see how things go in the next few weeks. But they are fun and I really am enjoying them a lot.

Non-school item: For the long weekend I went to my sister's house in Idaho. This is my sister with seven kids. I love spending time with her family, for a few reasons, the first is I get to spend time with my cute nephews and nieces. I don't get to see them very often because they are in Idaho and the oldest is 17 and the youngest is 7. So, they are pretty busy with life and what they do every day.
The next reason is sometimes my sister can shed light on the problems in my life, or what I view as a problem. She was the one who talked me into registering for college when I did. I think if she didn't I wouldn't be as far as I am. This week she did it indirectly. She is her ward's primary president (over the 3-12 year olds). And instead of sitting through Sunday School, and Relief Society on my own I went to Primary with her. She taught the kids about prayer and prayer language. She gave a quote by Boyd K. Packer that said, “Some answers will come from reading the scriptures, some from hearing speakers. And,occasionally, when it is important, some will come by very direct and powerful inspiration. The promptings will be clear and unmistakable." Then she kept saying that sometimes we don't receive the answer we want. Sometimes it is a yes, or no, or it is no answer. I really enjoyed the lesson she gave and I was grateful I was there and not with the adults learning about food storage. Prayer is what I needed to learn and what I needed to remember about.
The last reason I love going to Idaho, is seeing a functioning family in action. All my siblings have pretty functional families. However, most of their families are young. My sister has seven kids in a ten year span. There is a wide range of ages there, and dynamics. It was fun to see the older kids playing legos with the younger kids. The older kids talking about school and people they want to date and who likes who. Teasing each other and the parents joining in the conversation. I just sat there and laughed with them and thought about my family I am going to have someday and I decided I wanted them to be like my sister's family. They have their little problems like every family does, but I would still like to emulate them and the things they do to keep themselves strong.
Well, I better go and get ready for the week at school. I am trying to get a report about South Africa prepared to show my students what I expect from them for their country reports. So, I better work on that some more so I am ready for the rest of the week.